You're in a lot of pain. That's great!
Life is closing in around you. You're in misery from the moment you wake up. You hate yourself, most everyone else, and your dog. You feel angry, resentful, sorry for yourself, sad, frustrated.
You're just where you're supposed to be.
That doesn't mean you deserve to be punished. It just means there's a far, far worse place you could be; a place you've probably spent years living in. A gray, featureless place full of silent noise and brilliant darkness. A place where you feel...
One stereotype of the hypersexual man is Hugh Hefner, the founder of Playboy magazine. Jetting from one exotic locale to another, "Hef" was never without two beautiful young women on his arms. It seemed as if every photograph was catching him just after he had had sex, or on his way to another orgy. Heck, even his job was to pick which girl to photograph naked. Sex addict? Yes please!
Real sex addicts know better, deep down if not consciously. Spending inordinate amounts of time, money and energy in pursuit of sex isn’t glamorous or fun. It’s crazy-making, not to mention injurious to the prey. Never as good as it promises to be, compulsive sex simply creates a temporal void offering nothing but momentary distraction from the feelings your soul knows it must experience if it is ever to grow, and grow up. The acting out leaves behind only a craving for more of the same, in increasingly large doses. Finally, there is nothing to life except the pursuit, chasing the dragon of peak, followed by a peek at the truth: you are flushing your life down the toilet. What could be worse?
What you’re covering up by sexually acting out, that’s what.
That’s why sex addicts do it. They're addicts, not idiots.They know how miserable they are. Not all the time, but in the pallid moments between vicious cycles. Yet they do it again — and again — not because it’s exciting, but because it numbs them out. The ritual, the pursuit, the sex itself, even the shame totally distracts the mind and body from feelings it would otherwise be consciously experiencing. Feelings that are even worse, or seem that they would be, than the afterburner shame.
Anger. Resentment. Humiliation. Sadness. Depression. Despair. Where they all came from doesn’t really matter; we all have our demons. But chances are they came early, and a little boy needed to find a way to stop the pain. And he did. But like any drug, it had its side effects.
No wonder it’s so hard to kick. You finally get on a roll of abstinence, rack up some sober time, declare an initial victory over your addiction, and what happens? You feel terrible. All those old feelings, held underwater by your acting out for years, maybe decades, surface and gasp for air.
Pain. It means you're alive, really alive, maybe for the first time in your life. It's good news, even if it's not pleasant. Just like every other human feeling, this one will pass. Just hold on. And now that you're here, present, in the moment, it might be a good idea to ask for help.
Welcome to the real world.